In a press conference in Arizona yesterday, presidential candidate Herman Cain continued to deny the allegations made by five different women who have claimed he committed everything from impropriety to sexual assault. "I have never acted inappropriately with anyone, period," he said, blaming the charges on the "Democrat machine," and denying that he remembered any of the incidents in question. Would he perhaps one day? "It's a remote possibility…I'm not an expert in how the brain works."

But denying the accusations isn't enough: Cain is now buying ads on Google that offer the "Truth about Herman Cain" and urge us to "Get past the allegations and lies." But doesn't contain any information about Herman Cain at all, and seems to provide a list of every single sin ever committed by Sharon Bialek, one of his accusers.

If this sort of counterattack strikes you as too blasé, Gawker noted that the website called Bialek a "fat bimbo" and posted a picture of another accusser, Karen Krushaar, with the caption, "Who the hell does this ugly bitch think she's fooling?" Ahh, democracy.

Krushaar, who like Bialek is a registered Republican, works as a spokesperson for the Treasury Department. "When you are being sexually harassed in the workplace, you are extremely vulnerable," she tells the Times. "You do whatever you can to quickly get yourself into a job someplace safe, and that is what I thought I had achieved when I left," Krushaar said, referring to taking a settlement from the National Restaurant Association in the late '90s.

Bialek has said that the night before her press conference, she asked her 13-year-old son what she should do. "He said, 'You have to do the right thing. I think you need to tell on him.' That confirmed it for me. If my son is saying it, I want to be a role model for him and for other kids growing up and set the example that this is not appropriate behavior," Bialek tells Politico.

It just so happens that the GOP presidential debates pick up again tonight, just in time for Cain's numbers to begin to dip. But the candidate's crack research team HAS "confirmed" that Krushaar's son working for Politico in an unholy conspiracy realized that two people who have no blood relation to one another can have the same surname. C'mon everybody, follow Tim Heidecker and let's ride that Cain Train!

Yep, that fetal position is looking mighty fine to us.