The National Weather Service has issued a heat advisory, an air quality alert, and a hazardous weather outlook for today, and it's only going to get worse before it gets better. Highs today are expected to reach 90, but with the humidity it will feel more like 95 or higher for the next two days. In the all-caps parlance of the National Weather Service, in some places it could feel like "100 DEGREES FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME." ANY. LENGTH. OF. TIIIIIIIMMMMMEEEEE.

Air quality levels in the city are not specifically too good right now, with an air quality index value of 100 for ground level ozone pollutant. Officials advise against strenuous outdoor exercise today between the hours of 10 a.m. and 5 p.m., but to be safe we recommend skipping your post-work jog and proceeding straight to the frozen Brancolada bar for taco happy hour.

WHY is it so hot? Because it's summer? Or because we've done something to deserve this? amNewYork knows that this extreme late July heat is no accident. No, the universe is sending us a fucking message:

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"For too long, these ungrateful heathens have enjoyed the mild, paradisiacal climate of New York City, without once sacrificing a whole goat," the Universe mused as It adjusted Its gamma ray misting fan toward its broad, unblemished forehead. "Now I will teach them the real meaning of heat, of which these fools know nothing. Every drop of sweat that trickles down their backs on the C train platform is pure ambrosia to Me."

Will this heat wave ever end? No, it will only get hotter and hotter (with periodic interstitials of bitter cold) until New York City is underwater and we're huddled with our grandchildren in Wal Mart parking lot refugee camps scattered across Kansas. "Grandpa, what did you do while greenhouse gasses reached irrevocably catastrophic levels?" "Well, I saw Tommorowland twice in theaters one summer, but in my defense I regretted it both times. Too much of my life was spent trying to please other people, don't you make that mistake. But George Clooney was a great actor. Tonight the mummers are staging Leatherheads in Parking Lot D81—I'd take you if only the actor playing Clooney's part wasn't such a goddamn hack. Are you going to eat the rest of your weevils?"

There may be thunderstorms on Thursday afternoon. Here's an fun earworm to get you through: