The yuppie goyim are TAKING OVER Crown Heights, turning the once idyllic neighborhood into a wicked G-dless hellhole known among interlopers as "ProCro," a veritable Sodom where they party half-naked on rooftops and corrupt the area youth! So says one local landlord, who has fired off an open letter begging fellow property owners not to rent to these licentious libertines. In a desperate missive titled "Take Back Our Neighborhood," the anonymous landlord writes:

Demographic changes are swiftly changing the culture of our neighborhood. Local Lubavitch landowners and outside chassidic investors are making Crown Heights an attractive location for young, non Jewish tenants. In fact, it has come to attention that some investors are specifically targeting their advertising for this purpose. This is clearly seen with the new PLEX building Montgomery Street and Nostrand Avenue.

Young, upwardly mobile professionals may seem to be pleasant tenants who bring in reliable income, but they also introduce a very different way of life: new nightclubs and bars, sun tanning on rooftops, bike lanes and an increasing amount of immodesty on our streets. Some of these changes are hard to ignore; for instance, one of the sun tanning parties are visible for our young children to see from the window of a local school.

Rising rent compounds the problem and makes it even harder for our young couples and families to compete in the rental market. Friends, we pay a premium to live in this neighborhood, and we strive to create an atmosphere of holiness and kedusha for our children and teens. These yuppies bring pritzus to our neighborhood. They come out at night to our restaurants and act inappropriately while waiting on line etc.

We're guessing "pritzus" is a strain of particularly potent marijuana? Anyway, the letter's author finds it deeply troubling that "some young agents and landlords will specifically rent to these goyim instead of a fellow Jewish family." His solution? "We must form a group to come up with effective ways to reinforce the observant Jewish character of crown heights. The Satmars in Williamsburg are faced with the same problem and have made a successful committee to curb this issue. This could include meeting with investors from our own community and possibly outside, subsidizing rent for our own community members."

Also, how about a public information campaign letting women know that a long skirt adds years to their lives?

A modest modesty sign from Crown Heights, Brooklyn telling women that a long skirt brings long life. The sign also declares that the late rebbe of Chabad, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, is the messiah. (Courtesy Failed Messiah)

For perspective, we spoke with one non-Orthodox Crown Heights resident, who tells us, "I do think this guy's 'fears' are reasonable. There have been so many new businesses opening; there's a place called Owl and Thistle that opened up and my first thought when I walked in was 'who the hell in this neighborhood is going to pay $70 for a pizza stone.' But I'm guessing places like that are getting in while the rents are still cheap, anticipating a boom in 3-4 years. The neighborhood has beautiful brownstones and it's going to get yuppified, no doubt." Crown Heights resident Tien Mao adds, "I know I sunbathe nude and ride my bike topless all the time." JUST TRY TO STOP HIM! (Seriously, please try to stop him.)