Hey ladies, let go of your panties and step inside Google boss Eric Schmidt's fully soundproofed $15 million penthouse at 31 W. 21st St., where he keeps up several high-profile affairs, according to The Post. That's it, relax and get comfortable, safe in the knowledge that no one will ever know Schmidt briefly pretended to care about you, because a source tells the tabloid "while everyone in New York wants a doorman, Eric specifically said he didn’t want one. He doesn’t want anyone to see him and his guests coming in and out. He insisted on his own elevator."

His mistresses reportedly include Lisa Shields, an executive on the Council on Foreign Relations, and a Vietnamese pianist named Chau-Giang Thi Nguyen. Schmidt reportedly paid millions to get the sex arena soundproofed, so no one can hear the wild throes of ecstasy from the world's 138th richest man. (We're told it sounds like a fondue pot of ambrosia and Gelfling tears boiling over.) Thanks for permanently ruining the bathroom of Max Fish for the rest of us, mister big shot!

At any rate, this "fornication vacuum" still can't compete with the antics of the world's 13th richest person in the world, who has a thing for fucking New Yorkers over in broad daylight.