Current situation at LGA. (John Del Signore/Gothamist)

Why do we travel during the holidays? Tell me, has it ever worked out seamlessly for you? If it's not the snow it's the ice, if it's not the ice it's the fog, if it's not the fog it's the owls, if it's not the owls it's the overhead colostomy bags.

Every year, we lie to ourselves: This one will be fine, it won't be like last year, what colostomy bags? The nerve impulses associated with pain do not connect with the memory centers in our cerebral cortices, enabling us to forget what we swore we never would. Twenty dollars for trip cancellation insurance? Bitch please, that's a whole order of crispy cheddar bites at Chili's To Go.

Today's nemesis is the fog, smeared thick like shaving cream across the windshield of your plane. Sorry about your Christmas plans. But between the two of us: Do you really like your family that much?

Gothamist's John Del Signore is tweeting live from Terminal Hell at LaGuardia International Prison Complex. Enjoy the employee's mirthful cackle as she reminds the inmates that they'll never taste freedom again.

"Everyone is remaining calm and resigned to their fates so far, but I can see things getting ugly once that Cibo Express runs out of $11 tofu wraps," he said via field telephone. "The Southwest terminal at LGA is basically a double-wide FEMA trailer with none of the charm."


Here, I got you this. Vaya con dios.