If President Babyhands is elected in November, it looks like he'll be taking Rudy "I LIKE TO YELL LOUD ALSO 9/11 ALSO MUSLIMS" Giuliani down to DC with him—rumors abound that Trump's tapped the former Mayor of 9/11 Town to be his head of Homeland Security. It makes total sense, considering how safe he kept New York that time he put a $61 million emergency-command center inside 7 World Trade, an area already proven to be a terrorist target. Bye, command center! Yep, he'll be great.
The Daily News reports that Trump's been cutting "secret deals" with his besties in hopes of surrounding himself with some special friends before he accidentally razes the White House and builds the most FABULOUS Trump Orange House Tower & Resort money can buy—Giuliani is one such special friend, having apparently impressed him by screaming very loudly onstage at the Republican National Convention last week.
"A secret deal has been struck by Donald Trump, and Rudy Giuliani would be head of Homeland Security,” a GOP insider told the tabloid, adding that if Trump were elected today, Giuliani would be
rounding up Muslims offered the job tomorrow.
A representative for Rudy told the News there was "zero truth to that rumor," but we'll all find out the real truth when the world opens up and swallows us whole in November.
[Editor's note: An earlier version of this story bore the sardonic headline "Giuliani Rumored To Be President Trump's Choice For Minister of Homeland Security & Ethnic Purity," which was intended to satirize Donald Trump's well-established xenophobia and nativism. However, it appears that this election is so batshit insane right now that some casual readers rightly wondered whether Trump is in fact rumored to be appointing an Ethnic Purity Minister. To be clear, Great Leader Trump is not, as far as we know, openly considering creating an Office of Ethnic Purity... at this time... though sources say Rudolph Giuliani would happily accept it.]