When we think of Valentine's Day, our first thought is usually, "Oh God, how much is this going to cost us?!" But apparently other people associate this holiday with the making of sweet, sweet love! And to help facilitate that process—and avoid any delayed after-effects like dependents or the clap—there are at least three different prophylactic promotions in NYC today. The first comes from the NYC Health Department, which has launched a smart phone application that uses GPS technology to locate the nearest spot to score free condoms. Because New Yorkers who own smart phones are famous for their frugality? In any case, we just got it on our Droid, and it sure is taking its sweet time to load. Maybe we need to light some candles and put on some Al Green. While we do that, the Health Department has some handy tips on correct condom usage:

  • Use a new condom for each sex act. (Vintage rubbers don't cut it, cheapskate!)
  • Put the condom on when the penis is erect, before sexual contact occurs. Unroll it all the way down. (Once its fully unrolled, don't miss the opportunity to point out how ridiculously small most condoms are.)
  • After sex, pull out before the penis softens. Hold the base of the condom to make sure its contents do not spill.
  • Condoms should always be stored at room temperature (68- 77 F or 20-25 C) (We keep ours in a humidor.)

But our favorite piece of official Health Department condom advice? "Never use a male condom with a female condom, or more than one condom at the same time." So much for our patented belt-and-suspenders approach! Let's check in on our new few condom app... Yep, still looooooading! It looks like it's just not happening. Guess we'll give our droid a nice backrub and go back to sleep. But if you want to have a go, just search for ‘NYC Condom’ in the Android Market or the iPhone App Store.

Meanwhile, in other condom news, the LifeStyles Condom Fairy will be riding the subways all day, handing out condoms to commuters. (Yes, he's real, as this NSFW video proves.) And if you want to experience the next level in prophylactic technology, be sure to check out the Sensis Condoms with QuikStrip. Here's the TMI back story:

When removed from the foil, the ridged ends of the pull-down QuikStrips are exposed on the top side of the condom. The user feels these ridges so even in a dark room one can identify the correct side. By holding the QuikStrips the user puts on the condom and with only a quick pull down, the condom is applied. This simple and fast application process keeps partners "in the moment" and encourages partner participation, making safe sex more enjoyable...

Sensis founder Beau Thompson was inspired to create a better and easier-to-apply condom after he experienced the bane of every sexual encounter—he was taking too long to put on a condom. He was trying to be responsible but with the lights out, he couldn't see the condom and couldn't tell which side was which—and this fumbling resulted in a lost opportunity for a passionate moment.

The press release describes this as "the most meaningful condom innovation in years." Oh Sensis, where were you when George Costanza needed you?