Sure you've probably heard of the War on Women—that liberal fallacy that women actually use Planned Parenthood for things other than abortions and don't like to be lectured about "legitimate rape"—but were you aware of the ongoing War on Men? FOX News columnist Suzanne Venker argues that because "women aren't women anymore," men are less willing to marry them. Spoiler: all of this is your fault, ladies.

We haven't read the entire article because our wife was too busy mixing our third martini and checking on the mutton loaf in the oven to reach over and scroll down the page for us, but it appears that Phyllis Schlafly's niece is arguing that feminism basically turned women into angst-ridden, licentious, cutthroat careerists, which totally turns men off.

To say gender relations have changed dramatically is an understatement. Ever since the sexual revolution, there has been a profound overhaul in the way men and women interact. Men haven’t changed much—they had no revolution that demanded it—but women have changed dramatically.

Well anyone who's seen Species knows that. But how did this happen?

In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive, though often unknowingly. That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. Now the men have nowhere to go.

We've obtained exclusive footage of the Unnecessary Pedestal Fight For An Equality That Never Was:

After decades of browbeating the American male, men are tired. Tired of being told there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. Tired of being told that if women aren’t happy, it’s men’s fault. Contrary to what feminists like Hanna Rosin, author of The End of Men, say, the so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off.

Yeah! Men are tired of making more money! Tired of being the ones who are promoted! Tired of regulating what a woman can do with her own body! Tired of—wait, all that browbeating may have confused us.

Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families—it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.

Why can't women understand that they're infinitely more lovable if they're subservient? If women really want to be surgeons, can't they just operate on our hearts? (Oh yeah, and raise the kids.)

Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature—their femininity—and let men surrender to theirs. If they do, marriageable men will come out of the woodwork.

Exactly. Isn't "surrender" all the rage these days?