When a publicist contacted us to spread the word about a GQ profile on a sex coach who "literally paces the sidelines of your bed, calling the plays and (gently) critiquing your moves," we were skeptical. Then we clicked through, and boy howdy—the flack really was using the word "literally" literally. Area man Eric Amaranth gets paid—and paid well—to teach couples (and individuals) how to have sex (or masturbate). For an extra $50 he probably teaches you how to breathe through your nose, too!

"Drop and give me 20 orgasms!"

We've got to hand it to reporter Diana Spechler, who sat in and took notes during one of Amaranth's sessions, during which he

cons two well-off idiots out of $240

guides an unidentified couple through the act of coitus. This is one irresistible lede: "A Manhattan studio apartment feels especially cramped when you're watching the couple who live there take a sex lesson." And let's mention right here that you could be that couple for free—GQ is giving away a free session with Amaranth to one lucky "winner" who writes into GQSexCoach@gmail.com and explains why he or she need help fucking.

What a world! "The woman will have the first G-spot orgasm of her life, and then the guy's high-fiving me," Amaranth reveals. "One time the couple took me out for sushi." And after a particularly triumphant orgasm, we imagine some couples sneak up and dump a bucket of Gatorade on the coach. "When I have sex," Amaranth explains, pointing to a few dildos, "that's my penis and that's my penis and that's my penis." And that's why he's the Sex Life Coach, and you're just some one-dick amateur blundering around on the verge of extinction.

Just try not to dwell on the fact that Amaranth might very well make more money than you giving hand job instructions. And to be fair, maybe he's even making the world a better place. After all, one of his pupils supposedly had such bad coordination, that when she tried to, uh, manually service a gentleman, "she couldn't even do the up-down, up-down motion." Basically, hiring Amaranth is like paying a blog commenter to join you in the bedroom and point out your typos! We're just gonna go find a cash machine...