The NYTimes has a feature today on some of the incentives being offered to investors willing to give $20 million to the financially struggling Mets. The club is looking for approximately 10 suckers minority share owners—their investments would give them four percent stakes in the team each, while leaving Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz as majority owners. And seeing as how they're not going to attract any Donald Trumps, the organization is sweetening the pot with some added perks, such as access to Mr. Met, an exclusive fantasy camp, and business cards reading "owner." But if someone's gonna help bail out the perpetually-disappointing Mets, we think some better incentives might be in order:

  • A pass to skip the line at the CitiField Shake Shack.
  • Jerry Seinfeld will name a pet after you.
  • You can must try out at spring training. This team isn't going to pitch itself.
  • You get to choose the intro songs for players—hope Mike Pelfrey likes the soothing sounds of Christopher Cross!
  • A Bobby Valentine Memorial Moustache, for those times when you really want to watch the game from the dugout...in style.
  • David Wright will show up at your child's Super Sweet 16. No promises whether he knows how to Dougie.
  • Keith Hernandez will help you move. And will help you keep the gray away.
  • Permanent exemption from participating in things like “Nick Cannon Hug Night.”
  • Ron Darling and the SNY team will drive you to games...and narrate that drive.
  • Oh, and this isn't much of an incentive, but you'll owe Bobby Bonilla approximately $120K a year until 2035. Thanks!