A federal judge awarded a victim of the 2003 Staten Island ferry crash $500K yesterday because apparently the ladies don't love men who can eat only pureed food. Though the judge tossed out all of Michael Grynberg's other claims—depression, post traumatic stress disorder, brain damage and lost wages—his heartstrings tugged at Grynberg's claim that his engagement ended because of his injuries, and that he stopped dating two years ago because of all the embarrassments. The judge said, "He would actually order 'liquid stuff like soup' to avoid jaw discomfort." Man who eats soup for dinner? Dealbreaker!

The city has already paid over $67 million to settle lawsuits stemming from the 2003 Andrew J. Barberi crash, which killed 11 passengers. The same ship was responsible for a crash in May, but returned to the water in late June. However, Grynberg's tale seems a bit fishy; he has filed five different lawsuits since 1991 over various accidents and claims of job discrimination. All that's left for him is to cash in by signing a Jared-esque ad deal with Jamba Juice.