Fall, what is it? Let's investigate.

Fall is a state of mind primarily defined by five colors: Black, gold, "cool mint," fuchsia and puce. Unsure what I mean? Close your eyes really tight, until they hurt. Spin around 1,650 times, taking care to keep them closed hard, so no light gets in. Once you're done spinning, open your eyes and head for the nearest bathroom, where you'll peer into the mirror. The face you see staring back at you? That is Fall.

Some people think of fall only as summer's cold-blooded assassin, but it's so much more: It's also a celebration of corporate marketing and gleefully brand-oriented hashtagging! Starbucks and other chain coffee outlets have already begun serving limited-time arachnid beverages, which feature a handful of live wolf spiders sprinkled atop tepid herbal tea. Sip one while bundled in your favorite K-Mart™ plastic drop cloth, and cozy up in your mesh socks. Think warm thoughts, like what it would be like to live indoors for a change.

Often, you'll hear friends and associates speak of "fall activities," like radish licking and making toast. Get together with your college buds and toss the ol' flaming hairball. Wear a suit made entirely of fresh stoat skin and lay very still for several hours. Get inside your body pillow! It's fall, bitches!

On a technical note, the first day of fall is known as the "autumnal equinox," or the one day you are allowed to murder anyone you want during daylight hours, with no legal consequences. Fall comes but once every six years, so make the most of it!

Have fun out there!