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- Nancy Pelosi was officially elected Speaker of the House today—her daughter also offered this awesome quote, saying Pelosi will "cut your head off and you won’t even know you’re bleeding."
- Trump was annoyed that he was overshadowed by Nancy Pelosi and a GoT meme, so he stood in front of a podium flanked by a bunch of bald men this afternoon.
- Is the secret to marital bliss not sharing money?
- The White House is considering former Democratic senator and Iraq War opponent Jim Webb as the next defense secretary.
- The TSA says it is planning on transitioning away from pointy-eared dogs over the next several years "in favor of less-intimidating canines with floppy ears."
- Learn how two Australian artists have become the city’s most prolific creators of street art.
- Netflix blocked an episode of Patriot Act With Hasan Minhaj from streaming in Saudi Arabia after the Saudi government complained that the episode was critical of the government.
- Conservative trolls tried to shame Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez by circulating her college dance video, and it didn't work.
- Do you suffer from "cute aggression?"
- Will Shortz apologized after a NY Times crossword puzzle this week featured an offensive term.
- Tucker Carlson is now blaming higher-earning women for "men in decline" in a ludicrous segment: "Study after study has shown that when men make less than women, women generally don’t want to marry them."
- Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer talked about the final fifth season of Broad City.
- Celebs including Jay-Z, Lady Gaga, Dave Chappelle, Erykah Badu and Questlove all declined to appear in the new R Kelly documentary series.
- A man caught-on-camera attacking a deli worker in Brooklyn over a breakfast sandwich has been arrested.
- What's up with all the fancy Instagram bathrooms?
- And finally, these two are definitely planning something: