Responding to audiences' seemingly insatiable demand for "MORE SNOW, MORE ICE, LESS BOOOORING WARMTH IN EXTREMITIES," the producers of Winter 2014 will release a new, extended version of the popular season, jam-packed with added special features. The first new bonus scene, which takes place in New York City on Wednesday night and stretches into Thursday, boasts up to 10 "epic" inches of "kick-ass, heart-breaking, soul-pummeling snow," according to a source familiar with the blockbuster production.
The added snow scenes were deleted from previous versions of "Winter" because test audiences reportedly found the relentless series of snowstorms "totally unrealistic." But insiders say the younger and more coveted "10-to-15-year-old boy" demographic has been raving about the "extreme" snow scenes that cripple New York City in Winter 2014. And teen viewers have responded very favorably to leaked footage showing dispirited New Yorkers bloodying themselves with ice picks as they struggle to dislodge bitter tears that have frozen to their pathetic, winterized faces.
One source who viewed an advanced copy of the added footage predicts audiences with a lust for more snow will not be disappointed, tweeting that at least 8 inches of the powder are dramatically deployed during the highly-buzzed about storm set on Thursday. "Whoa NYC!!!...Get Ready!" the source gushed.
Whoa NYC!!! Before You Go! Here's Your Snowfall Forecast For Thursday! Get Ready! 41" of Snow So Far! pic.twitter.com/KsdCw1p2Sn
— Dr. Bill Evans, LHD (@Evansweather) February 11, 2014
And Harry Knowles at Ain't It Cool News declares, "This film has been melting cynics left and right. Which is so crazy cool! You have to see the film! With your fellow Legomaniacs!" (Actually, that may be a review of The Lego Movie. But certainly applicable here.)
Of course, not everyone is falling for the hype. Gothamist's own Winter 2014 fanboy Joe Schumacher questions whether the added Thursday storm scene is really going to be as exciting as everyone predicts. Cautioning that most legitimate critics have yet to even see the footage, Schumacher urges us to dial back our expectations, because "any forecast right now is really uncertain. The 6-10 inches for the city is on the high side of the forecasts I've seen but is not yet out of the question. The NWS model shows 6-8 inches for the same area but since Accuweather uses a 6-10 inch category everyone starts talking about ten inches of snow."
Schumacher (who, for the record, HATED Summer 2013: Heat Wave Redux) adds, "The higher amounts are reasonable for the lower Hudson Valley, northern NJ, SW Connecticut. I could see this being a situation where the Rockaways get very little snow but the Bronx gets dumped on."
Blah blah blah, whatever nerd, HERE COMES SNOWMAGGADENITOR!!! Hope you got your official Winter 2014: Director's Cut Snow Boots when you had the chance, because there ain't none left anywhere! Unless of course you want to spend $1,000 or more on Winter 2014 merch currently being auctioned on eBay.