It appears all three women who were tricked into marrying ambulatory man-wig Donald Trump were born without urethras, because America's next president thinks it's pretty gross that females have to purge their food waste somehow. Last night, Trump said presidential candidate Hillary Clinton's decision to use a ladies' restroom at this weekend's Democratic debate was "too disgusting" to talk about. He also said Clinton was "schlonged" by Barack Obama in the 2008 election. Never forget that Donald Trump is a classy gentleman who will decisively schlong Hillary Clinton next year.

Trump revealed his aversion to female pee and poop at a campaign event in Michigan yesterday, discussing Clinton's brief bathroom disappearance with the crowd. "I know where she went, it's disgusting, I don't want to talk about it," he said. "No, it's too disgusting. Don't say it, it's disgusting, let's not talk, we want to be very, very straight up. But I thought that, wasn't that a weird deal."

It is important to note that though Trump's ladies emit nothing but streams of melted gold from their bodies, Clinton uses the bathroom to win sympathy points with voters, just like any other normal woman.

Trump used similarly delicate language while elaborating on her crushing defeat in the 2008 election, noting, "Even a race to Obama, she was gonna beat Obama. I don't know who would be worse, I don't know, how could it be worse?" he said. "She was favored to win and she got schlonged, she lost, I mean she lost."

Asked about Trump's use of schlong, Harvard University language researcher Steven Pinker tells the Washington Post, "Given Trump’s history of vulgarity and misogyny, it’s entirely possible that he had created a sexist term for ‘defeat’ (as far as I know there is no such slang verb in Yiddish). But given his history with sloppy language it’s also possible that it’s a malaprop."

Trump's winning press team has neither commented on his Hillary jabs nor on the Donald's reassuring remarks that he would "never kill" journalists. Donald Trump is polling at around 33.6 percent. America is polling at 0. We're all getting schlonged next year.