At long last, President Hairpiece picked a running mate this week, passing over Newt Gingrich and Chris "I've Made A Huge Mistake" Christie for Indiana Governor Mike Pence, a social conservative the Trump team hopes will curry favor with Republicans who don't think Trump is
right-wing awful enough for them. Trump, who reportedly asked advisors if he could back out of the Pence pick Thursday night, formally announced the Trump/Pence ticket at the New York Hilton Midtown in Manhattan today—though it took him, like, 25 minutes to actually get to Pence. He also admitted that, "one of the big reasons I chose Mike is party unity, I have to be honest." Well, at least he's honest.
America's Most Orange Merkin opened today's speech by spending a solid chunk of time talking about himself, which is a little unusual when you're trying to introduce someone else to the nation, but fairly standard in the United States of Trump. Eventually, he appeared to remember why he was onstage, and read Pence's qualifications off a sheet before announcing he "found the leader that will help us deliver a safe society and a prosperous society, a really prosperous society, for all Americans." Trump also claimed Pence was his "first choice" for Vice President and called him "a man of honor," while opponent Hillary Clinton was "the embodiment of corruption."
After nearly half an hour, Trump let his new best friend take the stage. Pence, whose state recently imprisoned a woman for having an abortion, accepted the spot on Trump's ticket, thanking God and his family for the opportunity to terrorize an even larger portion of the population. He talked for a total of 12 minutes—which was less than half of Trump's stage time—and hammered in that GOP's main objective was to keep Hillary out of the White House, an obvious plea to the Never Trumpers to hold their noses (Pence had previously endorsed Ted Cruz, a move Trump called "the greatest non-endorsement in history.") Pence also criticized President Obama and Clinton for their foreign policies, which he claimed contributed to the rise of ISIS and terrorism at home and abroad. And he made a small Freudian oopsy:
Pence's greatest political contribution was signing the Religious Freedom Restoration Act into law last year. Though Pence claimed the law would protect the "many people of faith [who] feel their religious liberty is under attack by government action," critics have pointed out that the law was cleverly designed to allow Christian business owners to discriminate against members of the LGBTQ community.
The future is looking swell.