For every generation, the siren song of the suburbs rings out in a different key. The comforting whisper of cookie-cutter houses, made attainable for some by federal mortgage subsidies and racism, once called out to flocks of young people fed up with city life. But enticing today's urban-dwelling youth is more difficult now. For some reason, Millennials are stubbornly remaining in cities at rates far higher than their Gen-X and Baby Boomer predecessors.

Developers and government officials in a pair of Westchester communities, however, believe they've cracked the code to this generation's elusive suburban exodus. Is it access to affordable homes and modes of transit that don't actively strangle the planet? Ha-ha, no. The new Millennial-bait is apparently cheap parking, weapons themed bars, and authentic cheesy mac.

The strategy is detailed in a new Bloomberg Businessweek article, New York City Suburbs Lure Millennials With Luxury Digs, Ax-Throwing Bars. It begins:

"Ax-throwing bars are in the works at New Rochelle and Yonkers, both of which see the edgy pubs as a means to attract millennials away from New York City. The two biggest towns in Westchester County are betting on luring affluent urbanites who like their bars and bagels close but are sick of feeling poor in the Big Apple."

But coaxing young urban professionals out of their city digs takes more than just a place to get buzzed and cosplay as a lumberjack. Like regular humans, young urban professionals also require living quarters. If you're targeting a certain subset of Millennials, this means adding thousands of new luxury rental units, with "amenities such as dog-washing stations and rooftop fire pits." This especially makes sense if you consider that fancy dogs and burning things are two industries Millennials have not yet killed.

There's more! New New Rochelle, as one particularly thirsty advertisement calls the city, now offers exciting dining options perfectly suited to the newly-arrived city slicker, such as Wooden Spoon, "an eatery that serves up what it calls 'hipster' mac and cheese with truffle oil." Not sufficiently pandered to yet? New Roc City has everything a very online millennial needs: "street Wi-Fi kiosks, benches that double as phone charging stations, and complimentary Uber-style taxis."

Over in Yonkers, a luxury housing market is also taking off, despite concerns of some economists and local residents. But according to one 34-year-old graduate student, who recently made the move from Manhattan with his wife, the $2,100 rent (and $100 parking) can't be beat. “The apartment is spacious," he told Bloomberg. "It’s so calming here."

Shh, don't fight it any longer. It's time to leave this dirty city and head north, back to the lands of our parents before us. And for those who can't afford Westchester, we hear Buffalo is lovely this time of year.