While the nation mourns Thursday's Supreme Court decision to uphold death panels and mandatory brussels sprout suppositories for all, it's becoming clear that the liberal media manipulated Chief Justice Judas Roberts into changing his mind. According to CBS' sources, Roberts initially voted with the conservative bloc in March, but six weeks later changed his mind, probably while reading The New Republic on his Kindle and listening to NPR on that sweet waterproof radio he got from donating to PBS: "Roberts pays attention to media coverage. As Chief Justice, he is keenly aware of his leadership role on the Court, and he also is sensitive to how the Court is perceived by the public." Who appointed this diva anyway?
And it's not enough that Roberts changed his own mind (which is totally uncouth) but he tried to take Justice Kennedy's with him. "He was relentless," a source says, "He was very engaged in this." Our own sources indicate that Roberts slipped a mixtape for Kennedy into his courthouse locker that was mostly made up of Neutral Milk Hotel and Grizzly Bear tracks in an effort to get Kennedy to "think how vast and crazy this world is. Maybe no one is ever really right, you know?"
Roberts even argued that the health care act violated the commerce clause, an invitation for his conservative colleagues to join in his opinion, but they declined, despite agreeing with his analysis. They knew, as David Brooks noted on NPR last week, that Roberts "had to get to a certain result, and he was going to find a way by hook or by crook.” Indeed, what kind of hack jurist finds ways to use the law to accomplish something?
At least Dr. Glenn Beck knows what all of this means: home surgery.