It seems that the uneasy alliance of pedestrians, bicyclists and squirrels that form the circle of life in Central Park (also known as "Simbaringaneuensis") has started breaking down. According to the Post, someone who really hates bicyclists has been leaving thumbtacks across the Park Drive in the mornings, injuring up to a dozen cyclists so far. And as you can imagine, cops are making it a priority to stop the suspect before someone gets really hurt: “We have more important things to worry about, like people getting shot and squirrels getting run over,” one cranky cop told the Post. “A flat tire is not the crime of the century.” Try telling that to Larry David.

“I was paying close attention to everything around me, and I was looking for major hazards like potholes, not things like thumbtacks,” cyclist and Manhattan attorney Steve Vaccaro said, describing what happened to him the morning of July 3rd. “I rode over it and my tire instantly deflated, and after that I fell to the ground. I ripped the skin off my elbow and it’s pretty sore, but I don’t have any broken bones.” Rider Ben Noble said it was chaos in Central Park, the likes of which he hasn't seen anywhere in the world in his 42 years on this Earth: “I’ve ridden thousands of miles in here, and I’ve seen maybe two people in three years with flat tires. And that morning I saw easily 12 people with flat tires.”

Tension seems to be high between runners and cyclists, according to Jonathan Giahn, a memeber of a triathlon team called Asphalt Green. He believes he knows who is to blame: “I really don’t want to point fingers, but some think it could have been a disgruntled runner,” he said. “There is kind of a rivalry in the park between cyclists and runners.” Ehh, it's possible, but what about those pizza-eating, acorn-hoarding squirrels? Or those terrorist raccoons???