A right-wing nonprofit is not happy about the city's decision to mandate sex ed for all public school students, claiming, in an extremely roundabout way, that it promotes bestiality and S&M role-playing. Say what?!

The Chiaroscuro Foundation is criticizing the Department of Education for signing a contract with ETR Associates, a California-based publisher that prints out materials for the city's “Health Smart’’ and “Reducing the Risk’’ curriculum. ETR prints hundreds of pamphlets and books, covering everything from "STD Facts for Teens" to "Weight, Nutrition and Fitness."

But Chiaroscuro is pissed because in one of the hundreds of ETR materials floating around, ETR tells teenagers they can check out the Columbia-run health website Go Ask Alice for information. Among Go Ask Alice's thousands and thousands of topics, which include everything from whole grains to wet dreams, there is information about the aforementioned bestiality and S&M role-playing. Hide the children! Or wait—don't, because this is the most convoluted, ridiculous attack we've heard of since One Million Moms started boycotting Schweddy Balls ice cream.

“This is terrible. This is clearly explicit and inappropriate information for a seventh-grader,’’ said Chiaroscuro’s Greg Pfundstein, who is, unsurprisingly, calling for abstinence-only education instead. Planned Parenthood, however, has some things to say:

“What the Chiaroscuro Foundation is neglecting is that comprehensive sex education includes information about abstinence, as well as information about healthy relationships, parent-child communication, self esteem, and good decision making. Our ultimate goal is to keep our young people safe and healthy. How will keeping them from good, medically accurate information help them to make good decisions?

...New York City struggles with some of the highest rates of Sexually Transmitted Infections, HIV rates, and unintended pregnancies in the country: shamefully many of these all tend to hit our youngest people the hardest. Let’s embrace this opportunity to truly keep our young people safe.”

It's unclear if the Chiaroscuro Foundation, which is also anti-choice, is also upset that sex ed teachers are allowed to use more colloquial terms to discuss genitals (like furburger).