If you were ever wondering what an Ivy League education is good for, Trojan's Sexual Health Report Card has some answers. Columbia ranked #1 on the list this year with a GPA of 3.70. At a school where students spend more time reading about sex in the stacks (BwogSex, anyone?) than actually doing it, we wonder if this is one of those veiled "Safe Sex is No Sex" campaigns. Or maybe—just maybe—it's some sort of clever marketing campaign for a condom company? Anyway, here's the report card on the school's Sexual Health resources and outreach:

Columbia University: 3.70 GPA

  • Hours of Operation: B
  • Allow drop-ins, require appointments: B
  • Separate sexual awareness program: B
  • Contraceptives, Free or $: B
  • Condoms, Free or $: A
  • HIV testing (on/off campus, $): A
  • STD testing (on/off campus, $): B
  • Anonymous advice via email / column: A
  • Lecture / outreach programs: A
  • Student peer groups: A
  • Sexual assault programs: B
  • Website usability, functionality: B

This makes so much more sense now: The prize isn't about who's having safe sex, it's about who's talking about having safe sex, and collecting free condoms, and attending lectures about safe sex. Let's face it; without Juicy Campus, we really have no idea what's going on between the sheets at Columbia anymore.