Fraternities represent a long-decayed idea in higher education. As it turns out, flaming houses filled with Vineyard Vines sweaters, semen-stained Xbox controllers and zero toilet paper do not make anyone more "well-rounded" or "gentlemanly." But as long as there are 62-year-old accountants named "Scooter" who write checks so they can park closer to the football stadium or take shots of Jäger with minors a few times a year, fraternities will exist. You'd think the frat-tastic adventures at an Ivy League school like Columbia would be a cut above the knuckle-draggers, but this pledge scavenger hunt obtained by Bwog proves that the State of Fraternities is poor indeed.
Given that "pledges" are directed to "find the πκα at McSorley's Old Ale House" and photograph their "visit to the NYU Pikes," we can assume that someone at Pi Kappa Alpha is going to be scrubbing toilets with Chia Shrek for the rest of the semester.
Picture with a man with a mullet: 3 pts
Harlem Shake video: 10 pts
Video doing a gallon smash: 15 pts
Plant a flag at the 9/11 Memorial: 10 pts
Homeless Man's shoe: 10 pts
Baby Cat: 20 pts
Nametag of a McDonald's worker: 5 pts
Mullets? Tired memes? "Baby Cat?" (You mean "KITTEN"? HA HA *high fives public school bros*) And yeah, planting a flag at the 9/11 Memorial is definitely good to have on your ledger when St. Peter asks you why you were robbing a homeless man of his clothing and stealing a uniform from a person making minimum wage.
As The Cut points out, stolen panties from women from FIT, NYU, and a mysterious university called "XXL" are all worth the same 5 pts, which, adjusted for inflation, is the same amount of points it earned when the hilarious act was invented in 1902.
Then we have this:
Video of a pledge poonspeeding (eating pussy while wearing a swimcap and goggles): 25 pts
How many brothers does it take to come up with "poonspeeding?" Where's the passion? Where's the ingenuity? The tired fraternity pranks of today are the mind-numbing Barstool Sports posts of tomorrow. We deserve better, America.
We asked Columbia for comment on the document and will update if we hear back. At least they were smart enough to scrub any drug references out of it.