Not only has Citi Bike not heralded the mass slaughter of thousands of wobbly tourists, but it will actually buy you new pants. Well, maybe not you, but this guy, anyway.

Paull Young started his Friday like any other: By hopping on a Citi Bike and heading to work. Friday was a soggy one, and as he hurtled onto 3rd Street from Avenue B, the 45-pound ride slid from under him, flinging him ingloriously to the wet pavement.

Friends expressed concern, and Paull explained that while he was fine, his khakis, unfortunately, were one of Citi Bike's first vestiary casualties.

The diligent custodians of Citi Bike's Twitter account apparently took note of Paull And His Pants Problem, and reached out to assure him that "help is on the way."

Lo and behold: Vouchers for new pants were delivered straight to his office. Then Paull rode Citi Bike to J.Crew, where he purchased his replacement pants. He presumably did not fall off Citi Bike while wearing them, presumably not creating an Ouroboros of pants destruction.

This is a nice story, but then again: Where was Citi Bike when we were all dock blocked? Or when we needed help figuring out how many months were in 520 weeks? Or picking out the most tasteful "Sorry I Cheated On You" e-card? Citi Bike—what are you going to do about my noisy upstairs neighbors? Are you even listening, Citi Bike?

Citi Bike? Citi Bike.

Help.