New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is out of the hospital after his recent asthma scare and back in the gym. Yes, back in the gym, that's correct. Why are you laughing? Christie, as everybody knows, is a total fitness fanatic who pumps iron three times a week with boxing trainer Farrel Brenner. And such is Christie's dedication that when he was in the hospital, he texted Brenner to let him know that their next workout appointment would proceed as scheduled. That's Chris Christie for you—you just can't keep that veritable Jack LaLanne out of of the gym. "It was like nothing happened," Brenner tells the Daily News. "Just like anything that Chris does, he's passionate about our time together."
In other completely credible Chris Christie news reports, the cover of NJ's Star-Ledger today features a terrifying face-fusion of Christie with Obama. The point the paper is trying to make is that Obama could really have used some of Christie's grit during the debt ceiling battle. Specifically, as the headline makes clear, Obama needs "the guts of our governor." Because Christie has plenty to go around, amirite? Inside the paper, an editorial outlines the Star-Ledger's diabolical plan for a freakish Obama/Christie clone that will bring Washington to its knees:
The solution here is obvious: Obama needs a blood transfusion from someone meaner, someone who doesn’t shy away from a fight, someone who is willing to take his case to the people and force change. Yes, this is a dangerous business. With too much Christie in his system, Obama might invade Iran, or even France. And we really don’t need another president who favors the rich over the poor at every turn.
But Christie is a strong and natural leader. He is clear about what he wants. He fights like an angry pit bull. And he cuts a deal only after he’s roughed up the other side a bit. "The problem, in the end, is that Obama doesn’t want to be nasty," says Professor Gerald Pomper of Rutgers University. "Machiavelli has this great line in which he says it’s better for a leader to be feared than loved. And people don’t fear Obama."
Except people do fear Obama, although it's mainly because his wife wants to enslave all America in forced fitness exercise camps until they're as ripped and "passionate" as our hero Chris Christie. In the meantime, only a blood sacrifice from Chris Christie can save us.