Kazillionaire Chen Guangbiao, one of the top 400 richest people in China, recently announced his intentions to buy the NY Times with his gajillions of moneys. While the Times thus far has respectfully declined his requests for a meeting to discuss such an investment of gobagillions, if they got a better look at his business card, they might change their minds. Because clearly anyone who is a demolition expert, a moral leader, and the "most influential person of China" deserves a shot at the top of the masthead.

Business Insider got a look at the bongbazillionaire's English-language business card, which doesn't even have room to mention the fact that Chen is also a singer (he starts off his press conferences with a song). According to Buzzfeed, Chen said he was prepared to offer $1 billion for the Times at a press conference on Tuesday morning; by the end of the day, he was willing to increase his offer to $3 billion. Of course, this is where things get a little funky, because Chen reportedly has a personal wealth around $740 million, but swears he'd be able to make $3 billion appear at a moment's notice, so who knows how many quattuordecillions he really has.

To be sure, Chen's pursuit of the NY Times is absurd any which way you cut it: why would anyone want to buy a newspaper in the 2014 media market for $3 billion? And why would the family-owned NY Times ever sell to a Chinese businessman known for his "questionably motivated" philanthropic tactics? Then again, it's always smart to have an earthquake hero around the office, just in case.