Ladies, why waste time trying to find Mr. Right on the cold and impersonal Internet when true romance awaits just around the corner at the nearest payphone? Meet 40-year-old Malik Turner: He's into tigers (and cats!), Ferraris, video games, threesomes and foursomes; he is gainfully employed and his hobbies include "riding the subway." AND. HE. IS. AVAILABLE! His contact info can be found in the NY Post today because a reporter discovered Turner's rigorous personal ad posted in Hell's Kitchen. So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone and call now—for your convenience, he's taped his digits to a payphone.

Turner's ad, which he's put up at four or five payphones in Manhattan, says he's seeking a blond, long-haired, "big-chested, curvy, leggy, voluptuous (NOT FAT)" woman—or women—age 21 to 45, "willing to take turns paying on date (NO GOLDDIGGERS!!!!!)." Successful candidates for Turner's affection will dress in mini skirts, Daisy Duke shorts, and 4"-5" spiked heels. Also, please don't be transsexual, a hooker, a she-male, or a dominatrix. "I go to nightclubs," says Turner. "But it's hard for me to find a woman of my own. I talk to them, dance with them, but sometimes I don't get their cellphone numbers." We can't imagine why—he even insists on using condoms!

The best part of the Post story? After a reporter contacted his mother to ask her about his son's approach to finding love, his mom snapped and yelled, "What did you do, Malik? What did you do?" Don't hate the player, hate the game, Mom.