The G train is slow and unreliable and will irritate the person you are trying to have coitus with while the Upper West Side is crammed with older divorcées who engage in mature forms of courtship because they don't want to die alone. There. We just summarized the two dating stories from DNAinfo that are making the rounds today. What's that? More bitterness? Well, crack another can of Scotch and keep scrolling.

The G is everyone's favorite rusty, urine-soaked piñata—missed appointments, late work arrivals, a crippling fear of intimacy—it's all very much the fault of a subway line.

"I had to make a rule that was, literally, if you live off the G you're not for me," said Bedford-Stuyvesant resident Mutale Nkonde, 26, who lives off the A and C trains, and said getting anywhere off the G involved a nightmarish array of transfers and usually getting lost. "To get to the G is such a monumental hike, it's two buses plus a long walk."

"The thing about the G is it comes middle of platform so if you're dressed in high heels you have to run what feels like 7 miles to catch the train," she said of the line's short length. "When you get there [to the Myrtle-Willoughby station] it looks 'Law and Order'-ish. It looks like a crime scene."

Crime scene? Sounds like someone took a look at our texts from that time we danced on the piano at Manhattan Inn (or Crime Scene). [Ed: If you're making jokes like this it's not the G train you should be worried about]

Yet Love is about the intangible, the inexplicable. If you want to stop dating someone for something so trivial as say, living off the G train, or not being able to swallow a pill unless they tilt their head back 180 degrees, or for having a birthmark that alarmingly resembles Ray Liotta, or for absolutely no reason at all, well, the heart wants what it wants.

Singles sick of all that bullshit should head to the Upper West Side, which is "teeming with single, smart professional women who are looking for men." Men who understand that the only thing that matters is having someone to hold your gnarled hand when you step onto that Subway To The Sky (ironically also called the G-Train).

Yes, the UWS is where singles are "finding success by shunning the rambunctious atmosphere of downtown bars and clubs for the Upper West Side's sophisticated dating scene in search of a stable relationship."

"This dating scene is for men who want a woman who has her life together," said Terri Trespicio, 39, a lifestyle expert, media talent coach and single Upper West Side resident. "She has her own impressive career, her own money, has great taste and is not trying to live cheaply."

Cool! And we thought the only people who were single on the UWS spent all their time gawping at their mortality with nothing but their careers and Design Within Reach loveseats to keep them alive.

The area's small, village feel and the sight of familiar faces again and again creates another civilized opening into a relationship, according to John Keegan, a dating coach with the Awakened Lifestyle, who has called the Upper West Side home for seven years.

"I was just walking and I would see her and wave from time to time — mini flirts I call them," he said of a neighborhood girl he dated. "Then I paid her a compliment, ran into her again, and then we went out."

Ahh, mini-flirts. The small plates of courtship! But beware: that person you're making eyes at could just be another Lost Soul on the Galleon of Woe (which happens to be a pretty cool date if you get one of those sunset cruises on it):

There is one drawback for singles seeking love on the Upper West. It can be a challenge if they refuse to consider dating divorceés — who are plentiful on the Upper West Side, experts said.

Looking for someone less experienced in the scarring realities of adult relationships? Try Greenpoint.