Jolly Ranchers are vile, artificially flavored diabetic abominations, the bane of trick-or-treaters and choking infants around the world. Manufactured in mysterious foreign laboratories by The Hershey Company, the revolting candies are notoriously addictive and marketed directly at innocent children—but due to a legal loophole they're still legal in the U.S., and it seems the NYPD may have overstepped its bounds just a tad when they arrested a Brooklyn man for Jolly Rancher possession. In their defense, police say they thought it was crystal meth.
"I don't know if these cops have been watching Breaking Bad, but my client is not Walter White," says Kenneth Smith, the pop culture-savvy lawyer for Love Olatunjiojo, who was blocks away from a Coney Island sweet shop in June. In his possession were two “red crystalline rocks of solid material” and four “blue crystalline rocks of solid material." Officers believed the rocks were, you know, rocks, bitch, and Olatunjiojo was detained for 24 hours.
According to a copy of his lawsuit obtained by the Daily News, Olatunjiojo suffered emotional distress during the false imprisonment. Two days after his arrest, the NYPD lab determined that the stuff in Olatunjiojo's possession was Jolly Rancher, not meth. And although neither substance belongs in the sacred temple that is your body, the charges were dropped against Olatunjiojo, who's now free to walk the streets with a head full of corn syrup, sugar, malic acid, and artificial color. Oh, and the occasional razor blade. The stuff is tight tight tight.
