New York City is once again under siege this morning, as another heavy bombardment of white ordnance pummels the metropolis like so much snow. An estimated 12.8 billion anti-personnel cluster flakes have assaulted our once-peaceful seaside city for months now, and the streets have run brown with slush. According to the last remaining underground newspaper still printed by the Resistance, "this is the 14th snow event" since our enemy, Winter, invaded.

We know that more "snow events" are sure to follow, and salt supplies run desperately low. Jagged ice daggers rain down on us from high above. Our motor vehicles and bicycles are rendered completely inoperational. While some talk appeasement and pray for U.N. intervention, others are calling for human sacrifices in the hope of slaking our Enemy's lust for slip-and-fall lawsuits. Even worse, Winter's relentless barbarism has some New Yorkers contemplating the unthinkable: moving to Miami.

But this publication, as ever, urges calm and courage. To Winter, we say, you WILL NOT break us. Yes, many of our weaker, easily distracted millennial citizens have forgotten, but just seven months ago this city proudly blazed with the thick fiery heat of a million poorly ventilated poop trains. We are a city of Fire and Margaritas, and we still remember the way our sweat-soaked underwear sticks to our slimy flesh in August. That sweet taste of air conditioner juice dripping down into our open mouths is not far from our lips! This is the proud, incendiary history from which we came, and this is where we will return: to that tight, moist embrace of summer's armpit, where Winter cannot follow.

What was it Churchill said about Winter? "Even though large neighborhoods of New York have fallen or may fall into the grip of Winter and all the odious apparatus of incessant snow removal, we shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in Bay Ridge, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

And we're not calling any snow days, either. Bring it on, Winter. We will bury you. And we'll also cart you away in trucks and dump you in the river, sending you to a watery grave no one will ever remember.