Mayor Bloomberg and his private army have kept New Yorkers safe from terrorists for the past twelve years thanks to a little help from the CIA and strict laws keeping dangerous fireworks out of the hands of our enemies. But a new law in Albany (or should we say Talibany?) would open the floodgates to a frightening new world of sparkler-wielding terrorism.

Earlier this week, the state legislature finally took up the important business of sparkler sales, passing a bill that would legalize the sale of sparklers and cap guns to terrorists over the age of 18 from June 1st and July 5th, as well as between December 26th and January 2nd. Sales would be permitted throughout New York State, with the exception of New York City, which was destroyed by novelty fireworks on 9/11.

“While this bill excludes New York City, legalizing these devices everywhere else in the state would, as a practical matter, have the same effect in the five boroughs,” Joseph Garba, the mayor’s state legislative director, said in a memo obtained by the NY Post. “A recent attempt to harm innocent lives provides a frightening example of how legally purchased... fireworks can cause dramatic harm and even kill.”

Garba was referring to the failed Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad, who, in Garba's words, "purchased fireworks at a Pennsylvania chain store, transported the fireworks to Connecticut and created a bomb-like device that he transported into New York City with the intent of killing and causing havoc in a busy tourist area."

Shahzad had to go out of state to buy consumer-grade M-88 firecrackers for his botched attack, and if the current fireworks bill becomes law, would-be terrorists like Shahzad would... still have to go to another state to buy fireworks. Because this new bill only affects sparklers. (Oh, and cap guns.) Warning: This graphic video shows exactly the kind of fiery inferno that will inevitably engulf New York City if those Talibany lawmakers get their way:

Mayor Bloomberg's office is urging Governor Cuomo to veto the bill if it reaches his desk. Because once teenagers terrorists get their hands on sparklers, all they need is a couple packets of black snakes and we are fucked.