In simultaneous attacks targeting NYC's media and prison populations, the bedbugs have brazenly infiltrated the offices of Elle Magazine and an infirmary on Rikers Island. It appears that bedbug forces—emboldened by a string of bloody victories at city movie theaters, public libraries, and the Brooklyn D.A.'s office—are engaged in a "shock and awe" strategy of indiscriminate infestations, intended to sow panic across a wide range of New York society, from the most emaciated Elle intern to the worst hepatitis-afflicted inmate.

A city Correction Department spokeswoman sought to downplay the Rikers attack, telling the Daily News "only two bugs were recently found in the infirmary at the Rose M. Singer facility, and a small number of bugs were found in four other Rikers facilities over the past 18 months." But one visitor to Rikers tells the tabloid that his cousin showed him her bite-covered arm: "It's just like a million bites. She told me, 'I'm tired of getting bit up every night.' " What's the over/under on a class-action lawsuit against the city for cruel and unusual punishment?

Meanwhile, in midtown, bedbug insurgents have been trying to subsist on the low-blood sugar rations at Elle. A spokesman says they've been contained to a small area on the 44th floor, where they're reportedly worried all that blood is making their butts look big. Over at the bedbug-infested Times Square AMC Empire 25 movie theater, it's business as usual. Despite bedbugs repeatedly feasting on moviegoers, management has put up no warning signs, and it was up to the News reporter to let ticket-buyers know they were also becoming blood donors. Upon hearing the news, one potential customer vowed, "You couldn't pay me to go in there." But many others must have their diversions, and tonight's midnight screening of Piranha 3D is going to be intense.