The two day bedbug summit in our once proud nation's capital ended earlier this month on a note of bleak, existential dread. It seems the best and brightest minds on the front lines of the bedbug war have all but abandoned hope for a future when every child can go to sleep at night and awaken with the exact same amount of blood in their veins.

Entomologist Gil Bloom, who is a former member of Mayor Bloomberg’s Bed Bug Advisory Board, was in attendance, and reports back to Brick Underground that by the summit's end, it was agreed that "the goal of bed bug elimination should be replaced by the more realistic one of achieving bed bug control which in a multifamily scenario would require continued monitoring and possibly future additional treatments." Ol' Gil also declares, "Bed bugs are not going away any time soon."

You can read his bullet points yourself, but the grim reality is inescapable. The bedbugs are here, and they will bleed us white. It's up to each and every one of us to decide how this ends—either nobly with a thorough embalming that denies our foes a last humiliating feeding, or by cunningly overdosing on Coumadin, thereby thinning one's blood to such a degree that it denies them any sustenance. It's unclear whether the bedbugs will consume the remaining survivors or merely enslave them in vast blood farms, but one thing is for certain, there is no stopping them.