Fresh meat will be denied to a nation eager to see justice meted out upon the Colorado parents behind the "Balloon Boy" saga—if the family's lawyer has his way. Richard and Mayumi Heene could face up to six years in prison and a fine of up to $500,000 if it's proven that they falsely reported that six-year-old son Falcon had been carried away in a homemade balloon on Thursday. Denver lawyer David Lane says his clients are willing to surrender, in part so they aren't arrested in front of their children.

Lane tells the Denver Post, "Any public arrest will be deemed merely an effort by law enforcement to aggrandize themselves at the expense of the Heenes." That's right, only the Heenes are entitled to aggrandize the Heenes. Over the weekend, an associate of Richard Heene told Gawker he thinks Richard Heene is "using his children as pawns to facilitate a global media hoax that's going to give him enough publicity to temporarily attract A-list celebrity status and hopefully attract a network."

Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden told reporters, "There is absolutely no doubt in our minds this was a hoax. It was a publicity stunt done with hopes of better maneuvering themselves for a reality-TV show." According to Alderden, it would have been physically impossible for the balloon to lift Falcon. It's not clear whether the Heenes took a polygraph test, but Alderden insists they were planning the hoax for at least two weeks.

Investigators also found a document in which an unnamed media outlet offered money to the Heene family to tell their story, but it's not known if the offer was made before or after the incident. Also, Richard Heene thinks Hillary Clinton is one of those shape-shifting reptile overlords, but that's hardly controversial—they're everywhere!