We've all been there: your dad is the Consulate General of India and you're just minding your own business at John Bowne High School, not planning on filing any $1.5 million dollar lawsuits and then WHAM: you're locked up for sending indecent emails to your teachers! Krittika Biswas, the 18-year-old daughter of Indian Consultate General Debashish Biswas, is just going through normal, litigious growing pains. The Post reports that she was locked up on February 8, "despite her claims of diplomatic immunity," for more than 24 hours after investigators believed she was the one sending the emails. "Honest Mrs. Henderson! I'm a representative of a sovereign nation and therefore only subject to international law!"

Sure, the Queens DA dropped the charges and expunged her arrest once they found the REAL killer emailer. But what about her exile to "an offsite suspension center for more than a month?" Who will help this poor girl who is subjected to our filthy, pedestrian laws?! Her lawyer, of course: "The basis for this targeted inquiry was as criminally malicious as it was reckless."

While it's true that most of those adjectives could apply to what goes down in the teacher's lounge, the same could be said for their request that "a key to the City [for] Krittika Biswas as a token of heartfelt sorrow for the unbecoming pain inflicted upon her." We'll be on a hunger strike every day until Bloomberg honors this request. Sorry, guy-who's-been-in-jail-for-5-years-for-no-reason, another hero just stole our heart.