Since he first was introduced as the new Archbishop of NY in 2009, Timothy Dolan has been direct about his negative feelings toward the idea of gay marriage. But Dolan thinks that you still aren't getting him, so like all modern Renaissance men, he took to his blog by candlelight and furiously scribed a passionate screed on the history of marriage, why the Catholic Church isn't anti-gay, and the Orwellian nature of the pro-gay marriage lobby. There's no way anyone could possibly be offended by any of this, right? Here's juicy excerpt:

Nonsense! We are not anti anybody; we are pro-marriage. The definition of marriage is a given: it is a lifelong union of love and fidelity leading, please God, to children, between one man and one woman.

History, Natural Law, the Bible (if you’re so inclined), the religions of the world, human experience, and just plain gumption tell us this is so. The definition of marriage is hardwired into our human reason.

To uphold that traditional definition, to strengthen it, and to defend it is not a posture of bigotry or bullying. Nor is it a denial of the “right” of anybody. As the philosophers remind us, in a civilized, moral society, we have the right to do what we ought, not to do whatever we want. Not every desire is a right.

To tamper with that definition, or to engage in some Orwellian social engineering about the nature and purpose of marriage, is perilous to all of us. If the definition of marriage is continually being altered, could it not in the future be morphed again to include multiple spouses or even family members?

He finishes the post with a plea for the government to try fixing schools instead of redefining marriage (we assume a rip on Gov. Cuomo's pro-gay marriage agenda), which is already perfect just the way it is. In an interview with 60 Minutes earlier this year, he put his feelings on the subject like this: "I have a strong desire to play shortstop for the Yankees. I don't have a right to because I don't have what it takes. And that would be what the church would say about marriage." We think we prefer the baseball metaphors, lame as they are, to the overly-wrought dystopian ones.