Remember when President Obama's "Drug Czar" Gil Kerliokowske said that it was time to end the "War on Drugs?" Yesterday, the Federal Bureau of Investigation released the country's annual uniform crime report and in 2010, 853,838 people were arrested for marijuana-related offenses, or 97.5 people per hour, the highest ever reported. 52% of all drug arrests in the US are marijuana-related, 46% of those are for possession.

Luckily, we have a massive budget surplus and infinite law enforcement resources to combat marijuana, the scourge of the modern man. Think of the untold millions who are spared the fate of fatally overdosing from marijuana when they are welcomed into the nation's vast network of empathetic drug-treatment programs instead of jail. Minorities and whites are treated equally under this system, and their arrests are spread out evenly by race.

President Obama has taken the issue of medical marijuana seriously, and the patients with AIDS, ALS, Alzheimer's, multiple sclerosis, hepatitis C, pruritus, osteoperosis, theumatoid arthritis, Tourette's syndrome, glaucoma, cerebral palsy, and chronic pain, who are mistaken about the medical benefits of marijuana (there are none) will eventually learn to cope. It's not as if they're being prosecuted anyway.

So why end the War on Drugs when everything is going swimmingly? If you ever feel the need to cut loose, try the 100% legal and healthy alternative to marijuana: alcohol.