The Stormin' Mormon has been eclipsed by Governor Goodhair, meaning that it's now two-for-one chalices of AFL-CIO blood at every Stonecutters meeting hall in Texas. According to a Washington Post/ABC News poll, 27 percent of all Republicans and "GOP-leaning independents" back Texas governor Rick Perry, while Mitt Romney registers 22 percent. Tonight, Perry will face his first debate in five years, and while "the bar for Perry has been set pretty low," here are five tips for Perry to clear that "low bar," for Freedom.
Don't shoot your opponents with hollow-point bullets from a laser-sighted, .380 Ruger. This sounds like a no-brainer, but when Newt Gingrich starts rambling about "gotcha questions," and Ron Paul jaws about abolishing the Fed, and you're tired and just want some popcorn, firing a few warning shots at Jon Huntsman's podium may seem like a good idea, but these people aren't yet accustomed to Life In Texas. They'll learn soon enough.
Dopet an opponent's head. It's just adorable and who doesn't like a good head rub? Plus, it will give you inside information on their campaign. Crusty coif = they're working hard, no time to visit a stylist. Satin sheen = vanity, arrogance. No hair = Herman Cain.
Don't attempt any humor. Humor is for liberals who can't create jobs, and nobody thought it was funny when you compared a hispanic Alcoholic Beverage Commissioner in Texas to "Jose Cuervo." This means no calling Herman Cain a "Deadly HurriCain," or asking Newt Gingrich if he's wearing a tennis bracelet (he is). You're smarter than that. Maybe.
Do bash President Obama. His approval rating is at 43 percent, which is rock bottom for Barry. Kick him when he's down! After all, according to a WSJ poll, 53 percent of Americans are "uneasy" about you being president. You'll need to assuage their doubts (sans .380 Ruger) by projecting calm and not praying for anything.
Don't talk about how you did or didn't have sex. If confronted with "statistics" or "does abstinence teaching work?" just say, "Man, I really like that song 'Brick House,' but I don't think it's for children." The White House is yours to lose, Governor.
