The warnings were rolling in all year—"What a hot summer!" "It's the hottest September ever!" "December 13th has never been so hot hot hot!" "LOOK AT THE TREES, THEY'RE ALL BLOOMING AND IT'S NOT EVEN WINTER YET, HAHA, WE'VE HIT END TIMES, MY GOD I'M SWEATING SO MUCH IN THIS LIGHTWEIGHT CARDIGAN." And so, it comes as no surprise that scientists have proclaimed 2015 to be the second hottest year this country's ever seen. 2015 WAS HOT, BABY. Too Hot. Too Hot To Handle (If You Are A Penguin).
How hot WAS it? Pretty fucking hot. According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), 29 eastern states suffered through their hottest recorded Decembers. Remember that time you wore shorts on Christmas? Yeah, that's not normal. "2015 really blew away the competition," NOAA climate scientist Jake Crouch told reporters this week. YAY WE WON (certain death).
The West struggled too, with Washington and Oregon experiencing warmer than average temperatures, and though California suffered a serious drought, drier states like Oklahoma and Texas got record-setting rain.
Granted, 2015 wasn't the United States's hottest year since we started keeping records in 1895—that honor goes to 2012, whose average temperature was 55.3 degrees Fahrenheit (this year's was 54.4 degrees Fahreinheit, NICE TRY 2015). But before you pull up your climate change denier pants, note that 2015 was the 19th straight year in which our annual average temperature overtook last century's average.
The bumblebees are dying, the lobsters are dying, the adorable penguins are dying, and it literally took until last month for the World to get around to signing a sweeping international climate accord, which will certainly be somewhat helpful but scientists are still like HEY YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY HELPFUL? IF WE'D DONE THIS LIKE 50 YEARS AGO, I MEAN C'MON GUYS, BEIJING IS LIKE BASICALLY JUST A GRAY BLOB.
But, wooooo shorts in December! Summer forever! Eternal summer! Who's gonna die, not me!