Summer is BACK today, and the season is welcoming us into its flabby arms with a long, sticky embrace, like the friendly lady in room 237. Temperatures today could break the previous record of 98 degrees, set back in 1923, climbing as high as 100, or, who knows, 150? The National Weather Service has issued a heat advisory for the New York City area, and we're all going to die. On the plus side, the burden of coming up with conversation-starters is lifted, as we can all share a collective kvetch about this gawdawful heat. (Not as bad as that 2006 heat wave, though! Not yet anyway.) To help cope, here are 12 suggestions:
- Do the Right Thing. Remember that scene with Mookie, Tina, and the ice cubes? If not, rent it again for a refresher, then bring a cold pizza and a bag of ice to someone sultry.
- Don't sunbathe in the park wearing a thong. Please, for the love of God, think of the
childrenpeople who aren't blind.
- Don't wear flip-flops in public if you're a man. Come on, dude: NYC isn't your college campus; you're not strolling across the quad with a bag of laundry and a bottle of Gatorade after an Ultimate Frisbee game. Wear proper shoes like a big boy or move back home to Scarsdale. And this is for your own good: a potentially deadly germ—Staphylococcus aureus—has been found on New Yorkers' flip-flops.
- Do comfort yourself by checking temperatures in other cities. Sure, it might hit 100 in NYC today, but at least you're not in Phoenix, where it's 110. By the way, it's 102 in Ghat, and 108 in Baghdad. In Dubai, there's "widespread dust" and it feels like 104. Feel better?
- Don't crank up the A.C. and fling your doors and windows open. It's evil, it's illegal, and we're not going to buy your stupid cargo shorts anyway.
- Do check on your elderly neighbors. Is there a senior citizen in your building you exchange smiles with? Maybe stop by and see if they need anything, like an ambulance, or a rickshaw to one of our city's many fine cooling centers? At the very least, you should both drink some water together, and talk about Prometheus.
- Don't swim in public pools. They're not open until June 28th. Sorry. The beaches are open, but of course you're at work. Which brings us to our next suggestion...
- Do stay at work. They've got air conditioning, right? Soak up that sweet, free freon. Your boss will think you're a real go-getter, and once everyone's gone you can fix yourself a Tom Collins and curl up under your desk Costanza style.
- Don't watch these Kate Upton and Ryan Gosling GIF collections, unless you have a cold shower next to your desk. Instead, go drink and get dollar oysters at the Crow's Nest; it's always cooler at the river's edge.
- Do make sure your air conditioning unit is properly installed! Every summer, somebody nearly gets killed by a falling air conditioner. You can't just prop the thing on your window sill and forget about it—there are guidelines.
- Don't send us any more bodega cat photos. Instead, send us your photos of dogs wilting in the heat, tongues unfurled like sad distended party favor blowouts.