With unemployment still a dismal 9.1 percent, and your boss continually giving you the stink eye in the break room, all signs point to you donning an apron and asking "how about starting with some ramp-wrapped jalepeno poppers?" very soon. But Tim and Nina Zagat aren't sure that you're qualified enough to wait tables, so they propose "degree-granting hospitality programs." Brilliant! Why didn't a million colleges think of this already?

Sure, the public already gives waitstaff "little respect," but the Zagats say "some of this disrespect is earned." They point to a diner's survey that shows 67 percent of people eating out blame "the service" as the most "irritating aspect of dining out." It's a "lack of professional training" that's to blame here. Just look at the "revolution that's already occurred in the kitchen" all thanks to culinary schools. Chefs are "highly regarded—some are even celebrities, ubiquitous on TV and online—and the food they create is better than ever." Yeah screw med school: culinary school is where the money is!

Forget the fact that many successful chefs deem culinary school as being worthless; when was the last time the Zagats waited tables? Many servers do their (often extremely difficult and stressful) jobs to pay down debt they're incurred to receive an undergrad degree. Are customers going to tip more so they can pay down their credits earned at Servitude U? Are owners willing to bump up hourly wa—HAHA. Kidding! We've obtained a secret course offering catalogue from the Zagats' new Waiters College, and here are some of the classes being offered in the fall:

Candle Lighting 310, Striking The Match Away From Your Body

Tray Handling 101, Holding One Tray

Tray Handling 215, Holding Two Trays

Tray Handling 330, Holding Two Trays And Scratching That Itch On Your Nose

Eye Contact, 250, Firmly Telling A Customer You Do Not Serve Nachos

Scraping Food 400, One Bite Of That Uneaten Quiche Won't Kill You

Sleeping With Coworkers, Seminar, Asking For That Shampoo That Kills Crabs

Imbibing On The Floor, Seminar, Art Of Shallow Breaths When Talking To Management

Maintaining Sanity On The Floor, Seminar, Understanding And Not Murdering Customers Who Drink Decaf Macchiatos