Times reporter Henry Alford got the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene to send an inspector to his kitchen. (Your tax dollars at work, saving journalism!) After a thorough review, inspector Beth Torin told Alford his kitchen's so unsanitary she wouldn't eat in it. And this after he spent a day cleaning it! Violations included Alford's washing his hands in the kitchen sink, a too-warm refrigerator, and a broken meat thermometer. But the biggest transgression was his cat, which "can blithely go from litter box to tabletop or kitchen counter, transporting bacteria." In the end, Torin has a heart and says, "I'll give you the cat if you swear you’ll wash your hands in the bathroom. Then I’d come over. You’ve got to eat somewhere."