The issue of children and dining out is a bit of a hot topic these days (baby tax, anyone?), but until now, few have dared to explore the question of children and...dining in. Leave it to the highfalutin gourmands over at Gourmet to tackle the issue, advising dinner party hosts on how to ban kiddies from the table in a polite way. Sort of.

For starters, it's amusing to see Gourmet, that deceased arbiter of good taste, refer to children as assholes. It continues to be amusing when they compare children to drunks ("trust me, there are a lot of overlaps. They’re touching things they shouldn’t be touching, spilling food, interjecting at all the wrong moments. They put their sticky hands on people’s skirts. They hog the conversation."), which is totally true!

It's a little less enjoyable once the practical advice portion arrives (The final word, per Emily Post: "Don't even ask, 'May I bring my children?' If they were invited, the invitation would have said so."), but overall, having the support of the bourgeois is an important weapon in the anti-dining-with-children canon. The next battlefront? Children on airplanes—prepare for takeoff!