7-Eleven has been struggling to plant its demon Slurpee seed in New York, a city too enraptured with its bodega cats to embrace fluorescent lighting and congealed taquitos. So they've launched what appears to be an aggressive ad campaign to win us over, complete with a specialty "New York Bold" coffee flavor. But this will not work, 7-Eleven, because your coffee is bad. You are bad. Now give us free Slurpees and go back to America.

Intrepid NY Post reporter Tim Donnelly was kind enough to taste-test 7-Eleven's special New Yawk coffee, deeming it "weak, flavorless and meek." Indeed, he found much better coffee at a Midtown bodega, and though one is most certainly risking an intestinal parasite by drinking that decade-old java, for a buck fifty, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Now, 7-Eleven's coffee has always been very bad. When I lived in Baltimore, a 7-Eleven opened up across the street from my college newspaper's office. I tried their coffee exactly twice and never attempted to suffer through it again, no matter how desperately I needed caffeine while laboring over InDesign at 3 a.m. (solution - Red Bull!) The good thing about 7-Eleven is that they sometimes have creamer so you can mask the coffee horror with chemical hazelnut flavoring, but that will probably kill you faster than 7-Eleven's mini-pizzas.

Still this bodega/7-Eleven taste test is IMPORTANT, because 7-Eleven's whole game is to crowd out our local convenience stores and replace them with soul-sucking corporate sludge. Some people like 7-Eleven because it's a familiar brand, but just because something's comfortable doesn't mean it's GOOD. If you're buying musty toilet paper and a pack of Swedish Fish at 2 a.m., you want it to be sold to you by a bodega employee who seems to hate you but still knows your name and preferred seltzer brand. You also want to pet their cat. These are the rules.

Sidenote: moving all these brands into New York happens to make it way less fun to visit places outside the city. I went to a 7-Eleven in New Jersey when I was a teenager once, and it was very exciting. I had a Slurpee! Sadly, the magic is gone now.

Meanwhile, in related news, 7-Eleven is also trying to convince you that their muffins, made "exclusively" for 7-Eleven at a bakery in Long Island, are good, according to an ad I saw on the G train that made me apoplectic with rage. Their muffins are not good. They are bad. Buy a real muffin. 7-Eleven is bad and should be banned.