We've danced on the razor's edge of beef technology in our day, and can confidently state that when it comes to fast food, less is more. Wendy's is the chain that seemed to epitomize that concept for so long. Sure, there was the occasional gimmick sandwich, but they never tapped P-Diddy as a spokesman and haven't marketed themselves as "healthy" either. Which is why Wendy's new burger, "Dave's Hot 'N Juicy," which hits America today, comes as such a surprising futz with greatness.

Two years in the making, the new burger is billed as their "thickest, hottest, juiciest beef ever," and sports a buttered bun, whole-fat mayo and NO MUSTARD, pleasing 7-year-olds everywhere. Sales at the chains 6,600 locations are lagging, so Dave's Hot 'N Juicy was a direct response to the needs of a lard-assed nation that demands "thicker" patties and "beefier" beef. No word on whether Wendy's will just blend the burger into a Frosty for the "ultimate, exertion-free dining experience."

The burger will also cost more too, an extra 10 to 20 cents, and has already pitted franchises that can't afford the new $5,000 toasters against Wendy's HQ in court. At least it remains true to its stodgy, Middle-American roots by retaining the square patty, even if it does look like it spent the night at Roger Clemens' house.