Because violent athletic contests are just quaint reminders of America's 35mm slowmo past and its endlessly violent future (Drone Bowl 2015! Ha ha oh, wait), tonight's main event will occur in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome of our brains: advertising! Who doesn't love having to stifle conversation with another human so the guy holding the bottle of Budweiser Black Crown™ can crank up the sound of Matthew Broderick renovating his Aspen cottage? Shut up and watch a cartoon boy riddled with neuroses sell life insurance! Pass the guac while you stare into the flickering, busty abyss of semen-stained URLs! We are pleased to present the marquee matchup of Super Bowl XLVII: The Coca-Cola Company vs. PepsiCo. Who will win the right to kill us faster?

Coca-Cola paid adults millions of dollars (and CBS millions more) for a commercial showing cowboys, showgirls, and crude, copyright-skirting amalgamations of Mad Max/Waterworld/that guy from Raising Arizona all racing towards a giant bottle of Coke in the middle of the desert. We're then supposed to use the same hand we shovel cheese-injected processed meat down our gullets to activate our handheld devices and "vote" on the group we feel should "win" this race towards the giant golden calf. At the end of the game, we'll see the "winners" get to the prize. Presumably the losers have their limbs amputated.

In Coke's defense, they only made $48 billion in revenue last year.

So PepsiCo, sensing weakness, collaborated with Funny or Die to mock Coca-Cola's spot with an ad showing one of the Mad-Max types on a TV set angrily trying to pry his can of Pepsi Next from a finicky machine. You can watch the ad on BuzzFeed (This entitles you to say, "OH I SAW THIS ON BUZZFEED EARLIER TODAY" as it airs in real time, on the internet).

A more devastating jape may have been to remind you that the chips, the dip, that healthy-looking hummus you bought, the oatmeal you ate this morning, 40% of your corporeal existence, belongs to PepsiCo! Guess they were looking for something more subtle.

But what happens if Coca-Cola, um, retaliates with some last-minute advertising?
Here's Pepsi's VP for marketing, Angelique Krembs, who was last seen walking hand-in-hand with Robert Johnson down a dark, desolate country road that no longer exists in county records:

Asked if she was worried that Coca-Cola might retaliate against the video before the game, Ms. Krembs replied, laughing, “Unless they’ve got a great-tasting product with 60 percent less sugar, I’d like to see what they have to say.”

We're all better off watching animals perambulate around a corporate labor camp for our amusement.

[Ed note: The author of his blog post has assured us that from the hours of 6 p.m. through 10 p.m. tonight he will perform situps while hanging upside-down from a bar in his unheated apartment, chewing on bark for sustenance, and chanting passages from his Marx-Engels reader.]

[UPDATE] Here's the Pepsi spot: