While customers in other parts of the world are getting cool-looking black and white and bagel burgers, McDonald's lovers in the TriState area were introduced today to the three new "Premium Wraps" from the Golden Arches. The three varieties—Sweet Chili Chicken, Chicken & Bacon, Chicken & Ranch—are basically different combinations of chicken strips, cheese, lettuce, tomato and cucumber, each with its own special sauce. And if you're thinking, "Aren't these kind of the same thing as those other McDonalds wraps they've had for a few years?" The answer is yes, except these ones are bigger, which means they're automatically better in the eyes of discerning American consumers.

Knicks Forward/My New Best Friend Steve Novak was on hand for the media unveiling this afternoon. Novak—whom I must say is an extremely nice, friendly dude and Heyyyy what's up Steve, call me anytime!—got down and dirty with the ingredients, making his own wrap for the enraptured photogs. But not even Novak could bring himself to ingest the creation: he didn't take a single bite.

Without the luxury of benching my taste buds, I sampled two of the new offerings. First up, the Sweet Chili Chicken flavor, where I opted for the healthier (HA) grilled chicken option. Things started out all right, with an appropriately soft flour tortilla and a faint garlic smell wafting from the lukewarm wrap; but it quickly turned downhill when I bit into stringy, rubbery chicken. As in, so rubbery that I had to grasp the chicken with my fingers so I could break off a bite. It was then that I noticed the slightly grey tint to the meat and…yeah that was enough of that.

Next up, Chicken & Bacon, this time with the heart attack-inducing crispy chicken option. This combination fared better—I could bite through the chicken at least, so there's that. Even though the tomato and lettuce were mostly flavorless, the bacon was appropriately smoke-flavored and the jack cheese offered a pleasingly gooey texture. There was no way in hell I could have finished the whole thing, and at a whopping 600 calories, 30 grams of fat, and 1420 milligrams of sodium I'm sure my arteries were grateful for the reprieve. Yup, nothing but good-for-you organic burgers from here on out.