Here at Gothamist, we strive to provide you with all the hard hitting penis-related news stories of the day, from Brooklyn to Potsdam. Police have arrested a 41-year-old upstate man who allegedly rubbed a packaged stick of pepperoni on his exposed penis. The pepperoni was packaged, but his package was not. See what we just did there? Yeah, it's Friday, Friday...

Potsdam resident John Allison was caught on surveillance camera at a local Hannaford store fondling the pepperoni. After he rubbed his person on the pepperoni, he put it back on the shelf. Allison has been charged with public lewdness; he was also charged with fourth-degree criminal mischief because Hannaford is unable to sell the pepperoni.

On the surface, this is highly odd and gross. But maybe we're just looking at it the wrong way: maybe customs are different in northern NY. And at least the pepperoni was packaged—no one had to know about this incident. Hannaford's should just be glad that Allison didn't try to steal any steak.