Though childhood obesity rates are (inexplicably) dipping, our nation's youth remains stridently opposed to eating things that aren't Tacquito-based. Most kids throw away fruits and vegetables at lunch, or trade them with that kid who always seems to have Gushers or Swiss Rolls that everyone foolishly envies but in reality just has parents who don't care to know him. For these reasons (and a recent decline in their market share, of course) Tropicana is releasing a new "Farmstand" juice that will contain carrot juice, beets, and sweet potatoes, as well as strawberry, banana, peach, and blueberry juices. But don't worry, a company spokesman said they did their best to "hide the vegetables as much as possible."

"Wait," you say, as you slurp the last of the Fruit by the Foot into your mouth. "Doesn't V-8 already make those fusion fruit juices that have a serving of vegetables in them?" Yes, but Tropicana (which is actually PepsiCo) wants you to know that the humble "Farmstand" juices are far superior because they aren't as heavily pasteurized, and therefore must appear in the chilled juice isle, which is reserved for mothers who love their children very much and would never allow pasteurized juice to give their kids schizophrenia.

"Chilled is very important—it signals high quality, it signals premium, it signals freshness," a Tropicana spokesperson tells the AP. In 2013, PepsiCo plans to spend between $20 and $30 million on advertising slogans like "Turn Your Kids Into Veggie Lovers," which will presumably raise an entire generation of children to believe that "veggies" are pink liquids purchased next to the tubes of premade cookie dough and tubs of egg yolks.

Farmstand juices will have slightly more sugar than a normal glass of Tropicana OJ, but who cares, because it's For the Children.

Since Farmstand is primarily targeting moms who want to get their kids to eat some vegetables, [the spokesman] says those stats shouldn't be a concern.