Close Twitter, smash your iPad on the floor: The only news you need to know today or this month is that Trader Joe's is coming to Williamsburg.
Unlike its expensive, profligate cousin Whole Foods, Trader Joe's is friendly, cheap and offers healthier fare than your average Key Food or Met. Crain's reports that the new 18,000-square-foot store will open at 206 Kent Avenue between North 3rd and Metropolitan Avenue, though the timeline is unclear. Somehow, this will only be the chain's second Brooklyn location.
Alliance Private Capital bought the lot at 206 Kent for $18 million last January. As of the last Google Map-ing, it looked like this:
The opening of Trader Joe's means yet another addition to a surge of food options for Williamsburgians (Williamsburgites? Williamsburgles?) looking to prepare wholesome, free-range, gluten-free meals for their little Pearl Sweatshirts and Kalegulas. Meanwhile, the aforementioned smarmy naif Whole Foods is quickly taking shape, to be joined shortly by deranged cult leader Wegmans, opening in the Brooklyn Navy Yard in two years.