There's no shortage of over the top New Year's Eve celebrations to throw money at this week and while those highbrow restaurants might give you an epic meal, they can't give you the most sacred of all holiday gifts: proximity to the screaming hordes in Times Square. But never fear because Applebee's is here to make sure you're right in the thick of the annual NYE fracas with an all inclusive celebration at one of their Times Square locations at the much more tourist-friendly price of $375 per person. Yes, a mediocre chain dinner that costs hundreds of dollars. In Times Square. On New Year's Eve.

So what awaits you at their so-called New Year's Eve Bash? Most importantly, there's a premium open bar, a necessity given the surroundings; if you opt for the 50th Street location you also get "satellite wine & beer stations," whatever that means. You'll also be Eating Good in the (Worst) Neighborhood (In NYC) with a "chef's selection buffet" that includes a "ton of food"—steak and shrimp!—cooked by "some fairly sophisticated culinary people." Sounds promising! “You wouldn’t know you were at an Applebee’s for that one night,” explains NY franchise owner Zane Shark-Tankel.

The "Non-Stop Fun!" continues with both a DJ and live music to encourage boogieing Ohio-style on the dance floor plus party favors—BYO dignity. The party begins at 8 p.m. and they're kicking everyone out at midnight, unless you choose to "make [your] way to the streets of Times Square" (“subject to NYPD approval”). We can't imagine cutting out early after spending nearly $400 to rub elbows with visiting Midwesterners and though it's hard to imagine, bathroom-less Times Square looks even worse after three hours of open bar. We'll just chug our adult apple juice and catch Miley on the big screen.